I walked up the aisle in Waitrose with the bambino sitting on my hip when I felt an excruciating pain shoot through me. I felt winded by it but figured it would pass so I attempted to look for the spring onions again. Another pain shot through me making me feel like I wanted to throw up and I felt a bit unsteady on my feet. Two wobbly laps around the veggie aisle and I finally found the onions, just as Nac (best mate and one of the bambino’s godmothers) came back with the pushchair.

As I approached her, an agonising cramp swept through me and I could feel myself losing control.

“Nac I don’t feel well…” I whispered.

“OK, I’ll just move this stuff off the pushchair and…”

“Nac, take the bambino…I don’t think I can hold her…” and she took her as I sank to my knees.

The pain was now gripping my lower abdomen and back and I could barely see. Nac was staring at me in shock as I half turned and asked a couple of staff where the bathroom was. As the helped me out to the back, I collapsed and they had to half carry me into the first aid room. I suddenly felt feverish and I writhed on the chair. I practically threw my handbag across the room and ripped my cardigan off in desperation to feel cool. Moments later I felt horrendously cold.

I lay on the bed and they covered me with a blanket as I writhed and cried in agony. The only thing that stopped me from screaming like a maniac was hearing the bambino giggling at two of the cashiers with Nac outside the room. I didn’t want to scare them.

I closed my eyes after a while as it felt like the pain was subsiding.

Oh F*ck! I thought after a few moments. Am I seeing the light? And for a split second I wondered if I was dying and then opened my eyes and realised that it was the flourescent lighting…. I whispered that I thought I’d been seeing the light and they were cracking up laughing. Then the pain hit me full force, worse then before, and I started howling in terror.

I heard them saying something about me being taken to hospital and I irrationally gripped the bed with gritted teeth and insisted that I’d be fine. I could hear Nac on the phone to the bro and my ma. The boyf was in Canada and she was afraid to phone him without knowing what the hell was going on.

“I could take care of the bambino for you whilst you go to the hospital with your friend” the Waitrose lady offered to Nac. “I’m a Brownie and I’ve had police checks and everything!” For some reason I felt an uncontrollable urge to laugh.

“Er….no thanks…” Nac said kindly but firmly.

As the paramedic checked me and spasms ripped through my stomach and back, I was suddenly assaulted by a new fear. “Oh.My.God. What if I flipping crap myself? I’ll never be able to come to Waitrose again! I’ll be known as that black girl that pooed herself! We’ll have to move! I won’t be able to come in and get sneaky eclairs and caramel shortcakes anymore! We’ll…”

The paramedic interrupted my ridiculousness to advise that she was pretty sure I had food poisoning.

Scared of the spasms, I insisted on going to the bathroom. The Brownie lady walked me down the corridor and as I got to the third step, I retched, swooned, and then vomited. Again. And again. And again. And again. And…well you get the picture.

Brownie grabbed me and tried to pull me back up the stairs but I couldn’t see, never mind walk. Eventually she managed to sit me on the steps as she ran for the paramedic. The door opened at the bottom of the stairs and a whole load of people appeared, probably trying to up to their shift.

“I’m so sorry!” I said and I put my hand over my mouth.

“That’s OK” this boy said looking at me kindly, just as I vomited again and it shot through my fingers down the stairs.

Eventually, I managed to make it back to the first aid room and after about twenty minutes, I felt human enough to go home.

The store manager told me she’d go and sort out my shopping. “Oh, you couldn’t put in a Warbartons Seeded Batch loaf for me please? I didn’t make it to that shelf…”

We actually got our shopping for free. “Damn! I wish I’d had a full trolley!” I quipped when we got home.

It is safe to say that I feel like someone kicked seven shades out of me and rode my ass like Zorro. The bambino sensed that something was up and stopped giggling with the cashiers and started screaming for my attention before we left the store. I gave her a big cuddle when I got home and she danced and jumped on me so excitedly, I got my poor fanny jumped all over on as well as my battered stomach…

Enjoy your weekends….yikes!