Are you on crack? is about my bumbling journey through motherhood. It started as a weekly column over at Dollymix and I recently decided to close my old personal blog (well more like go on an extended hiatus) and write about my motherhood adventures instead of writing about being tired of the male species!

On the 31st of May 2007 at 11.32am, I gave birth to the bambino after moving house two days before, being induced a few hours after the move, and then being in labour for 36 long bloody hours. My birth plan said gas and air, and in an absolute emergency an epidural but it didn’t take long before I took everything that they had on offer. Unfortunately, a natural vaginal (or va-jay-jay for those that prefer that term) birth was not on the cards and I had an emergency c-section instead..

Still it wasn’t long before I ‘almost’ forgot the pain of the birth and fell in love with my little girl and motherhood. I thought taking care of a baby would be hard but I thoroughly enjoy it even on the days when I feel like I may go insane from umpteen nappy changes and the fickle preferences of a little one. It’s the crazy people and comments and the general circus of being a mother that gets me though…

I write ‘Are You On Crack?’ for every mum that ever heard a stupid comment, got given unsolicited advice by a stranger in the supermarket, and often feels like hurling herself on the floor in a melodramatic tantrum. I don’t pretend to be superwoman, I’m not a manic, military precision, mum, and even though it’d be nice to think of myself as a Yummy Mummy sometimes, I don’t want to pigeon hole myself.

I hate the pretence that comes with motherhood. You have to pretend that pregnancy is “amazing dahling” and you have to patronise other mums-to-be by acting like it didn’t hurt so that they’ll feel better about it. You have to pretend to be bum chums with strangers purely because you all happen to have conceived and given birth around the same time, and if you want to fit in with mummy and baby groups, you have to pretend you’re having the sh*ttest time, and that your baby doesn’t sleep, eat, or do anything right, just so that you don’t get written off as a smug b*tch.

“Are you on crack?” is actually one of my favourite sayings and it’s another way of saying “Are you crazy?” That and the fact that I refer to my family as crackerjacks and crackheads but I must point out that none of them actually do crack…

‘Are You On Crack’ also appears on Dollymix every Tuesday as a column. This blog will be updated at least twice a week.