One of the first things people say to you when you have a baby is to start looking for childcare. They don’t tell you that childbirth actually really, really hurts, or that you never do quite return to your minimal farting self, but they do advise that you start making the rounds of childminders and […]

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Recently there has been a lot of discussion in the press about the pressure that women feel to be perfect (Gosh there’s a revelation) and at the time when I read it I didn’t attribute these fears to myself. After all, right now when I look around I see the Sunday papers that we still […]

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I realised a couple of months ago that pregnancy and childbirth had killed off all sense of shame when I found myself standing half naked in the nurses office at my doctors surgery, having an accidental game of hot potato with my diaghram as we both howled with laughter. I’d gone there for a demonstration […]

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I remember going into the tube station and cacking myself over a gang of ‘youths’ because I had brushed against one of the girls accidentally and she had chosen to cuss me all the way to the platform. It’s a measure of how scared I was that I didn’t tell her what she could go […]

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I recently read an article about a new parenting ‘fad’ where babies don’t wear nappies and instead are held over a toilet or bowl when the parent senses that the baby is ready to relieve themselves because they believe it’s cruel that babies have to sit in their own waste. Are these people on crack?! […]

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When I was single people were always asking “Why are you still single?” as if I knew the magical answer to why I drew in assclowns from all over. I always thought that once I got a boyfriend that I would be free of inane questions but if people aren’t asking “So when are you […]

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“What are you doing?” asked the boyf at 10.30pm last Friday night. “Cleaning the bathroom….” I hollered back. No I haven’t got a sudden penchant for housework but scrubbing the entire bathroom seemed to be the only way I could tune out my daughters screams whilst he tried to soothe her. I had been tempted […]

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I’ve long held the opinion that we live in a nanny state where if we’re not careful, the government will monitor our every movement like in Enemy of the State. However since becoming a mother, ‘nanny state’ has taken on a whole new meaning. When you have a child you court the opinion of your […]

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One of the things that I learnt before I endured being induced, thirty-six hours of labour, a tens machine, gas and air, pethidene, thirteen epidural top-up’s (and that’s not including what they gave me for my emergency c-section), plus morphine, and God only knows what else, is that when it comes to babies, expect the […]

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